Changes are underway here

 I will be changing my profile description.  Not today, too tired, but I did want to put it in black and white that I'm going to be doing some things differently.  You see, I've been focusing on others all my life, and not in a good way. I've been looking outside myself for safety, reassurance, validation, acceptance, etc., etc., etc.  It is a behavior I created as a child because I felt invisible.  Now I can see how it has never really served me, at least not like I desired.  So, now my life will unfold in a new way, one that I only have an inkling about now, but it's going to be different.

For instance, just a few days ago, I spoke with my friend about an idea I have.  I received such an unexpected supportive response that I was shocked.  I realized that as a child whenever I shared an idea it was laughed at by those around me.  I came to believe my ideas were laughable, not to be entertained.  I began to see how many dreams I'd had that were abandoned because someone told me they weren't practical or something, but I had later watched as someone else made that same dream a reality.  Now, the creative juices have begun to flow.  All it took was one sincere, knowledgeable person to say, "I think you are underestimating the value of your idea," and I feel like I've turned a corner.  Now, I'm looking forward to more and more inspiration to flow in as I believe in myself and as I stop pouring so much of my energy into the efforts I've made in the past to please people, lying about who I am, trying to provide other people their answers when I don't even have my own, being afraid of the response of others, etc.  That etc. will become even more evident as I become more aware going forward.

I trust that others will find their answers and their way and receive all the help they need, all with no help from me whatsoever.  I'm staying out of everyone's business and getting much more deeply attentive to my own.  For a time, until I can freely give, needing nothing in return,  No reassurance or thanks or credit or prestige. I'm giving God his job back. 

A New Chapter, A New Book

Much time has passed since my last blog post.  I will keep this one brief, but more will come and more often.

 Mother passed peacefully into the next realm on 1.11.21.  There was great appreciation for the date.  The grief process has progressed as warned.  As I read the last couple of posts, I'm reminded that I had some awareness of what she was going through.  Dementia is totally unpredictable.  That's one of the most difficult parts.  And, I also remembered that Mother had always been unpredictable.  It was one of the more painful aspects of our relationship.  It wasn't until I caught myself confessing that I was realizing how unpredictable my behaviors are and how difficult that must be for others, that I was able to forgive this in her as I saw it in myself.  I always thought I was forgiving, even encouraging my sister on her path of forgiveness.  Thanks to the love and support of others, I was able to see a deep vein of resentment that had to be healed for me to move on.  I may share more about that later. It is easy to forgive something when we can find it in ourselves.

To anyone who reads this and is taking care of a loved one with dementia, I get it, as will many others who are going through or have gone through it, also.  It's the most difficult of journeys, and, as others told me, the most (for lack of a better word) fulfilling.  I felt inadequate to the task from the beginning to the end, was too often impatient and unkind, but always trying to be honest about my capacity.  I don't think I've even begun to unpack all the gifts.  The one big one at this point, is the love I feel for my mother.  I never realized, of course, how much I would miss her.  We were like oil and water, and she was the big wound, the subject always discussed in support groups.  And, she left a big hole.  I had always called, stayed in touch, no matter how far away or for how long.  I'm sure you've heard of or experienced the desire to call someone and then realized they are not longer at the other end of the phone.  It was a little different from that with me.  The habit of calling her was so deep and ingrained, although I never reached for the phone and then remembered, I would feel a twinge, across my shoulders and up the back of my neck, almost like an instinct.  And, I actually did pick up my cell phone and tell her how I was feeling once.  It was helpful.  I hope you will not squelch any inspiration you feel about how to deal with your journey.  It's very personal and no one gets to tell us how to do it.  

 Art was not a huge part of my life for these two years, but occasionally I had a minute and did some little thing and it was helpful.  My urge to create is back now stronger than ever.  I love the very words "create" and "imagine."  Reminds me that I/we are made in the image of our creator: creative.  More posts and more projects are on their way, meanwhile...

Much love to you.

To Mom:  All your past except its beauty is gone… and nothing is left but a blessing.” – A Course In Miracles

Gratitude

 In the mornings, I sit on the front porch or the back deck.  It's a quiet neighborhood.  The breeze stirs the leaves on the trees.  Sometimes there are birds, sometimes squirrels and always my precious kitties.  They get some strokes and then are content to lie nearby washing their paws and faces.  I breathe and believe that in this moment, Life is perfect.  I know it won't last, and I like to breathe in the gratitude as deeply as possible, filling my cup for whatever the day brings.
 
There is a silver lining.  This movie is teaching me.  Awkward, uncomfortable situations are part of life, heck, maybe they are most of life, maybe it's our trying to avoid them that sucks the most.

I keep getting the same message.  From my mother's minister on Sunday. From other spiritual talks. Sit with the pain.  And Joe Dispenza's training keeps popping up, saying that the more often we return to the present moment the more energy is available for healing.  These are things that I've been working on.  When I feel really stressed, lol, having a strategy as Pat's therapist tells him, and then Tiff talking him down and helping him breathe.  I'm doing that.  Just breathe and don't get on the field of death with a reaction.  Just because I'm invited doesn't mean I have to go.  Those demons delight when I lose it and get angry, I can almost hear them laughing.  Bleah on you, I'm determined, through the power of the Holy Spirit and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to win this battle. I will do whatever it takes, because I am a beloved daughter of a loving Heavenly Father and he knew this would be what is best for me.  He knows my heart, he knows my needs.  So, for now, I sit with it.  And the Universe opens to me. 

Victor Frankl's book, "Man's Search for Meaning" came to me in college as an assignment I am ever grateful for.  I highly recommend it.  Here are some quotes from a man who survived a Nazi concentration camp and went on to become a very distinguished neurologist and psychiatrist.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.”

 “Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge.”

“Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.”
 
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him.”

“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.”

“No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in a similar situation he might not have done the same.”
 
“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.”

"I called to the Lord from my narrow prison and he answered me in the freedom of space."  (which paraphrases Psalm 118.5: "I called upon the Lord in distress: the Lord answered me, and set me in a large place."

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."

 

"What is to give light must endure burning."

 

The Dementia

I really would love to sit down with her and have a nice lunch.  It's always hell.  Invariably, she says, "I'm going to have to have a talk with the bank about why I'm not getting my bank statements."  I've been here a year.  The first ten times she said this, I got up from lunch and pulled her bank statements out of her rolltop desk.  "You get them every month." I finally, ever so slowly realized that it did not matter how many times I told her, she would still believe she doesn't get them.  She is the one who gets the mail out of the box, religiously.  She opens them, she puts them in her desk.  And, she forgets them.  It took a long time before I realized that she did not even keep up with what she spent.  Anyone could have walked away with all of it.  Thankfully, she had caring, honest people around her.  The last time I got the statements out of the desk for her, she spent an interminably long time leafing through them and attempting to put them in order, first page, second page, with the correct dates.  I had watched this in the beginning with the Sunday newspaper.  I'm aware now, that this is something "they" do.  One of the hardest parts is being so very painfully aware that, given the family history: six sisters, all with some form of brain dysfunction, I may follow in her footsteps. 

So, writing this is my therapy, in hopes that I may save my own brain/sanity.  And, maybe yours, too.

 

And, while I type, she entered by room for the fourth time with her diamond watch with the broken piece.  I asked her to put it in a box.  We would take it with her class ring to get fixed.  She had "lost" her class ring.  I found it in her jewelry box.  On one of the 4 trips, she brought me a diamond ring and said I could have it.  She asked if I thought my son, Jesse, would want her deceased husband's watch.  I had to tell her I would close my door so I could get some work done.  Dealing with this is exhausting.  And, I know worse is coming.  And, I know others endure more.  It doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  It doesn't diminish the frustration.  I have prayed and continue to, as I know others have also.  I pray to have God's heart and eyes, to help me see and feel compassion for her.  I pray for miracles as I feel my bucket drain.  Maybe this is the best I have.

And, the heart doctor's office called this morning to say that the pacemaker machine had detected something over the weekend and he wants to see mother. When I asked about it, she said he wants to make sure she is taking her medicine.  I'm wondering if her GP relayed the situation. She had taken 90 days of her statin meds in 60 days. It's the only one she takes consistently, I think because she thinks it helps her sleep.  I told them they would have to tell her in no uncertain terms that I am to be administering her medicines, and I will record them telling her.  Anything less than recording that simply won't work, as I have told her GP.  When I try to help with meds, it just creates a huge nightmare. It doesn't help matters that I don't agree with all the prescriptions.  I have left it to God, and she is still here. 

getting better at reading the signs

I'm 64 years old.  Last year I left Phoenix, moved back to Georgia to care for my 89 year old mother who has dementia and OCD.  My life movie is either "Travelling with Cats," or "The Twilight Zone/Ground Hog Day Mashup."

Every day I wake up and count my blessings.  Usually, I'm glad I woke up. Grateful to have this time to be with mother, heal old wounds, grow on.  Today I was awake at 4:30 a.m. when I heard a noise on the deck that joins with my bedroom wall.  No way to look outside.  For years mother has been adamant that someone is out there harassing there, The Neighbor.  Now, I know it's raccoons.  How do I know? 

My mother hates (my) cats. They are my 6-year-old rescue babies. She refuses to let them in the house, so I purchased a rabbit/chicken coop for them to sleep in at night.  There they are safe from  foxes and coyotes, who live in the woods our property borders.  Our property.  I'm beginning to take ownership, it's an awkward position, parenting our parents.  One morning when I went out to the back yard to release the cats, I was greeted with a mess.  Something (raccoons) had stood on the plastic kitty litter container, reached through the chicken wire and opened the plastic container where the food stays.  The container was almost empty and the water bucket beside the outside faucet was muddy.  They had stopped to take a bath.

Today I watched Silver Lining Playbook and stayed in bed late.  Feeding my recent fascination with the amazing depth of Bradley Cooper.  I was struck by how much his mannerisms reminded me of my own son, now 21 and living with his girl in Cincinnati.  I don't remember if we watched this movie together or not.  I remember watching it on his monitor in his room when he was about 14. 

As I take care of cleaning the kitty litter from the box in the coop this morning, thinking already, again, about writing the movie of my life, the plastic grocery bag I pull out to put the crap in has a hole in the bottom, great metaphor for my life.  Upon closer inspection, I'm trying to be more present in my life, I notice it is a heart-shaped hole.  I laugh , thinking about the line from the movie, about how you have to get good at reading the signs.

It seems like sometimes things line up.  Some call it synchronicity.  In the south, we say it only happens when you hold your mouth just right.  But, sometimes that  feels like trying to control life.  Maybe life is like water, it flows when you let it go. 

Making friends with what is

I am so grateful to live now.  There are many who are awakening and sharing their knowledge and understanding. I feel less alone now than I ever have.  I will share with you the people I am learning from or shall we say un-learning or re-learning?

Byron Katie.  I had heard her name for years before I decided to look her up.  I thought she was one of the founders of Unity.  I guess it wasn't the right time. Once I discovered her, I watched every youtube video I could find.  Sweet loving kind funny honest open wise.  I feel so blessed. (Since I drafted this blog post more than a couple years ago, she has gained some notoriety and public acclaim, thankfully.)

Eckhart Tolle.  Yeah, yeah, yeah... be present.  I even read (at least a bit) of a book.  Didn't do anything for me.  Then I watched videos of him.  I love the way he is able and willing to just sit and be silent.  Which brings me to...

Ssshhh. 

Greg Baer.  He's been telling me to shut up for 17 years. He meant it for my benefit,  but of course that triggered the sound of my mom's voice and fell on deaf ears.  I have toyed with it over those 17 years, the practice of silence, and have become more peaceful as a result.  Thanks, Greg.

 
A book entitled "Inner Excavation," Liz Lamoreux, encourages us to explore self without the confines of having it look a certain way... so many ways to let go, eliminate self-criticism, judgment and stumbling blocks. Loosen up! 

Dance like no one is watching, because they probably aren't (people are way too self-absorbed, or in their phone's virtual world).  Life is too short to waste worrying about much of anything.  In short? Be real.  Be honest. Be happy.  Be real happy.  Be.

Summer Camp is ON!

The heat is on, and so are... Summer Camps!

This pic is actually from one of my previous school classes: 3D self-portraits

I'm doing somethings differently this year!  Instead of charging a fee, I'm asking for donations of Michael's gift cards to buy supplies!  I'm also asking each student to fill out an information form that will help me to design projects suited just for them!  I'm also changing the times and group sizes.  Groups will consist of no more than 4 students and run from 9 a.m. - noon and from 2 p.m. until 5 p.m.  This will allow me to better manage the projects, and add some resting downtime, too!

I'm really tickled about this summer's camp and can't wait to meet the participants.  We will be doing everything from paint to papier mache sculpture and anything else the kids want to try!  No particular skill level required, just the desire to create!  This camp can complement what the student is learning in their school, or, I can start with the basics, just for them!

Call me at 706-409-6696, for more information or to get started!

In lieu of great pics.... here is my car magnet, and front porch sign... smh.