Because I want to live more fully connected or aware of my connection to my Source, I am aware, and committed to continuing and growing that awareness. Specifically, these unnamed feelings. The Ones I run from experiencing by overeating, making food choices that may not be the best, or at least I feel are not the best. I run from intimacy. I run from intimacy with others, and myself, at the same time reaching for it, needing it and clinging. Of course, it's a fear feeling, and as I write this I feel it in the pit of my stomach. A fear of being wrong or not enough. It's there, in the background, while facilitating our morning zoom meeting, and it's there when I leave. A breath, holding. A wanting to control. The Pain. The Fear of Rejection.
I am grateful that for years now, I have become aware that I can just sit with feelings. I sit with the feeling, breathing and exploring. It feels like my little girl, my "little." So, I love her. (The most loved we feel is when someone is willing to just sit with us, I just realized, I am loving my feelings by sitting with them, more on that later. = Intimacy.) As I love her, I remember the post on fb in one of my crochet groups. A woman had recently "lost" her newborn child and had crocheted a newborn baby doll to help her process her feelings. I want to make one. My "little." Me. My unborns. My baby boy. So much, so many, BIG feelings, to love and accept. It does feel better to have them than to run.
I am my "little" with her baby doll. I will walk through my life holding her hand in mine, as she holds hers in her hand. My spiritual mentor, Vivian Heeschen, told of sitting at the breakfast table with her cereal, and the cereal box in front of her. On the box, there was a picture of a little girl eating her cereal, the way we can see infinite reflections in a mirror when it is turned in a certain way, Vivian wondered whose box she was on. My "little" will hold her doll and her "little" will have her doll. I wonder whose doll I am. That is my desire. To know that one whose doll I am, my Source.
