Changes are underway here

 I will be changing my profile description.  Not today, too tired, but I did want to put it in black and white that I'm going to be doing some things differently.  You see, I've been focusing on others all my life, and not in a good way. I've been looking outside myself for safety, reassurance, validation, acceptance, etc., etc., etc.  It is a behavior I created as a child because I felt invisible.  Now I can see how it has never really served me, at least not like I desired.  So, now my life will unfold in a new way, one that I only have an inkling about now, but it's going to be different.

For instance, just a few days ago, I spoke with my friend about an idea I have.  I received such an unexpected supportive response that I was shocked.  I realized that as a child whenever I shared an idea it was laughed at by those around me.  I came to believe my ideas were laughable, not to be entertained.  I began to see how many dreams I'd had that were abandoned because someone told me they weren't practical or something, but I had later watched as someone else made that same dream a reality.  Now, the creative juices have begun to flow.  All it took was one sincere, knowledgeable person to say, "I think you are underestimating the value of your idea," and I feel like I've turned a corner.  Now, I'm looking forward to more and more inspiration to flow in as I believe in myself and as I stop pouring so much of my energy into the efforts I've made in the past to please people, lying about who I am, trying to provide other people their answers when I don't even have my own, being afraid of the response of others, etc.  That etc. will become even more evident as I become more aware going forward.

I trust that others will find their answers and their way and receive all the help they need, all with no help from me whatsoever.  I'm staying out of everyone's business and getting much more deeply attentive to my own.  For a time, until I can freely give, needing nothing in return,  No reassurance or thanks or credit or prestige. I'm giving God his job back. 

A New Chapter, A New Book

Much time has passed since my last blog post.  I will keep this one brief, but more will come and more often.

 Mother passed peacefully into the next realm on 1.11.21.  There was great appreciation for the date.  The grief process has progressed as warned.  As I read the last couple of posts, I'm reminded that I had some awareness of what she was going through.  Dementia is totally unpredictable.  That's one of the most difficult parts.  And, I also remembered that Mother had always been unpredictable.  It was one of the more painful aspects of our relationship.  It wasn't until I caught myself confessing that I was realizing how unpredictable my behaviors are and how difficult that must be for others, that I was able to forgive this in her as I saw it in myself.  I always thought I was forgiving, even encouraging my sister on her path of forgiveness.  Thanks to the love and support of others, I was able to see a deep vein of resentment that had to be healed for me to move on.  I may share more about that later. It is easy to forgive something when we can find it in ourselves.

To anyone who reads this and is taking care of a loved one with dementia, I get it, as will many others who are going through or have gone through it, also.  It's the most difficult of journeys, and, as others told me, the most (for lack of a better word) fulfilling.  I felt inadequate to the task from the beginning to the end, was too often impatient and unkind, but always trying to be honest about my capacity.  I don't think I've even begun to unpack all the gifts.  The one big one at this point, is the love I feel for my mother.  I never realized, of course, how much I would miss her.  We were like oil and water, and she was the big wound, the subject always discussed in support groups.  And, she left a big hole.  I had always called, stayed in touch, no matter how far away or for how long.  I'm sure you've heard of or experienced the desire to call someone and then realized they are not longer at the other end of the phone.  It was a little different from that with me.  The habit of calling her was so deep and ingrained, although I never reached for the phone and then remembered, I would feel a twinge, across my shoulders and up the back of my neck, almost like an instinct.  And, I actually did pick up my cell phone and tell her how I was feeling once.  It was helpful.  I hope you will not squelch any inspiration you feel about how to deal with your journey.  It's very personal and no one gets to tell us how to do it.  

 Art was not a huge part of my life for these two years, but occasionally I had a minute and did some little thing and it was helpful.  My urge to create is back now stronger than ever.  I love the very words "create" and "imagine."  Reminds me that I/we are made in the image of our creator: creative.  More posts and more projects are on their way, meanwhile...

Much love to you.

To Mom:  All your past except its beauty is gone… and nothing is left but a blessing.” – A Course In Miracles