My Little Girl Rampage

Every morning I am blessed to gather online with my tribe.  We've been meeting like this for almost two years now.  It has taken this long for me to reach a point, today, where my intention is to thoroughly like the person I am right now.  

After luxuriating in bed, alone, on a Sunday morning, and scrolling through the news, I remember to call my sister.  Just for a couple of "housekeeping" things. I noticed the lack of a more detailed gravestone yesterday when visiting mom's grave to check on flowers.  And, to tell her the good news about a new job, because she expressed concern about my survival on social security.  I'm laughing because I've survived this far on so much less.  

It didn’t take but about 15 minutes of really being me with her before I felt that old rub of not getting her approval. Unlike in the past when I would have withdrawn and felt hurt, I verbalized out loud that I wish there had been less years difference in our age maybe we could’ve been closer or appreciated each other more or bonded better. But, as she says, it is what it is and when we hung up, I remembered to ASK for what I want!  I flung off the covers and I begged (I know now I don't need to, but it did feel like it in the moment) God to help me remember that feeling of loving myself and loving who I am that I had so recently found. I WAS a little girl that no one appreciated and she still lives in here but I AM her big sister now and I love her to pieces and I think she’s precious and adorable and so cute and she is good!  She’s kinder and more affectionate and warm and loving and supportive than anything anyone could ever want in a friend except maybe not too dependable, lol. I think I will love bomb her today. It took many people, and a few very special ones telling me these things before I came to believe them.

She’s worked so hard to heal and forgive and be happy and it’s been a fucking uphill journey every fucking step of the fucking way. So if you’re somewhere on the uphill journey, I’m here for you. I got it that it’s fucking painful but it won’t always be that way.  I promise.  Leave a comment if you want to connect. And, by ALL MEANS, hang in there!  DO NOT QUIT just because there is no one around you right now who understands or appreciates you!  You CAN and WILL attract people in your life who will care about you and appreciate you and love you and it might seem like a long, painfully torturous slow path to suddenness. Don’t quit whatever you do, because it’s worth it. And, the faster you can BELIEVE it will happen, (MAYBE AGAINST ALL ODDS), the faster it will happen. 

Between now and then, please know that doing/surviving hard things will help you appreciate  yourself, and the joys that will come with that. And, the hardest thing may be in reaching for that idea that the possibility even exists for you to be happy.  There’s a great analogy in weightlifting or running or doing anything that’s hard physically. It’s the same for our thoughts and our feelings. Do the hard things, they will make you stronger and they will make you love yourself more and harder. 

 So I’m just gonna sit right here today and do as I damn well please and beam love to all that need it, to the whole fucking universe.

Getting Older and More Forgetful

My brother-in-law seems to have come up with a new anacronym (I almost wrote anachronism, and there, folks, is an excellent example of where my brain is going) for the way our minds have begun to work (shall I stop before I say the dreaded words "in our old age?"):  "CRS" or can't remember squat, only I think he put a different word in for the "S."  Sometimes I think my worst nightmare is that I will remember only the things about my life that I don't want to!  Or that just as I begin to figure out Life, I will forget what I figured out. 

Anthony deMello was a Jesuit priest, author, speaker, and if you haven't read "Awareness,"  you should think about it (I'm trying to quit saying "You SHOULD").  It is a collection of his writings and talks.  He is amazing.  In "Good, Bad or Lucky" (p. 30), he passes on this wisdom from someone else, "The lovely thing about Jesus was that he was so at home with sinners, because he understood that he wasn't one bit better than they were."  He went on to say that "We differ from others--- from criminals, for example-- only in what we do or don't do, not in what we are.  The only difference between Jesus and those others was that he was awake and they weren't."  "The Pharisee wasn't an evil man, he was a stupid man."  That's us, stupid, thinking we are better than others... we're just lucky, maybe, to be awake or aware, or becoming a little more so that way every day... maybe a little more like Jesus?

See, this is good stuff, and I don't want to forget it.  I just want to forget all my stupid mistakes, and hope everyone else concerned does, too.  When I need to remember something important, maybe someone will direct me back to my blog.  From deMello:  "I dare not stop to think, because if I did, I wouldn't know how to get started again."