My Little Girl Rampage

Every morning I am blessed to gather online with my tribe.  We've been meeting like this for almost two years now.  It has taken this long for me to reach a point, today, where my intention is to thoroughly like the person I am right now.  

After luxuriating in bed, alone, on a Sunday morning, and scrolling through the news, I remember to call my sister.  Just for a couple of "housekeeping" things. I noticed the lack of a more detailed gravestone yesterday when visiting mom's grave to check on flowers.  And, to tell her the good news about a new job, because she expressed concern about my survival on social security.  I'm laughing because I've survived this far on so much less.  

It didn’t take but about 15 minutes of really being me with her before I felt that old rub of not getting her approval. Unlike in the past when I would have withdrawn and felt hurt, I verbalized out loud that I wish there had been less years difference in our age maybe we could’ve been closer or appreciated each other more or bonded better. But, as she says, it is what it is and when we hung up, I remembered to ASK for what I want!  I flung off the covers and I begged (I know now I don't need to, but it did feel like it in the moment) God to help me remember that feeling of loving myself and loving who I am that I had so recently found. I WAS a little girl that no one appreciated and she still lives in here but I AM her big sister now and I love her to pieces and I think she’s precious and adorable and so cute and she is good!  She’s kinder and more affectionate and warm and loving and supportive than anything anyone could ever want in a friend except maybe not too dependable, lol. I think I will love bomb her today. It took many people, and a few very special ones telling me these things before I came to believe them.

She’s worked so hard to heal and forgive and be happy and it’s been a fucking uphill journey every fucking step of the fucking way. So if you’re somewhere on the uphill journey, I’m here for you. I got it that it’s fucking painful but it won’t always be that way.  I promise.  Leave a comment if you want to connect. And, by ALL MEANS, hang in there!  DO NOT QUIT just because there is no one around you right now who understands or appreciates you!  You CAN and WILL attract people in your life who will care about you and appreciate you and love you and it might seem like a long, painfully torturous slow path to suddenness. Don’t quit whatever you do, because it’s worth it. And, the faster you can BELIEVE it will happen, (MAYBE AGAINST ALL ODDS), the faster it will happen. 

Between now and then, please know that doing/surviving hard things will help you appreciate  yourself, and the joys that will come with that. And, the hardest thing may be in reaching for that idea that the possibility even exists for you to be happy.  There’s a great analogy in weightlifting or running or doing anything that’s hard physically. It’s the same for our thoughts and our feelings. Do the hard things, they will make you stronger and they will make you love yourself more and harder. 

 So I’m just gonna sit right here today and do as I damn well please and beam love to all that need it, to the whole fucking universe.

Wishes Fulfilled

Wayne Dyer was such a popular teacher.  He was a legend.  But his teachings always felt a step behind me.  I kept wanting him to make that one last step toward The Truth. This week I discovered that he had, indeed made that step, and I’d been unaware.

The Truth was something my father seemed to think he had and no one else did.  I’m afraid I followed in his footsteps a bit, although I wasn’t quite as sure.  I did not really 100% dare to believe what I had found was The Truth.  Too many churches and authorities considered it blasphemy, as did the ones who wanted to stone Jesus.

When I was 23 years old and living in Atlanta, I met a young man.  He was a bartender at the Pharr Library.  We became friends.  His mother was a psychic.  Not just any psychic, one that the local police departments called on when they needed.  Remember now, this was 1978. These subjects were not as widespread, popular and acceptable as they are now.  His mother had given him a book, “Three Magic Words,” by U.S. Andersen.  (The book is here, along with some beautiful music: https://youtu.be/G3CWkOC3Dqs) Along with the book, she had given him an audiocassette and told him to record the meditations at the end of each chapter.  We listened to it nightly before falling asleep.  Amazing things began to happen, not the least of which was my mind opened.  It wasn’t long before I recorded the meditations in my own voice on my own tape.  Last year I recorded myself reading these meditations on YouTube. https://youtu.be/2UXWOcTU8So

I won’t go into the amazing things that happened today, I’ll save those for later.  But along the way, in most serendipitous ways, I found another book and author named Neville.  He was a mystic who toured and spoke in California in the 40’s and 50’s.  The essence found in his books and Three Magic Words were the ones I had hoped Wayne Dyer would confirm.  I knew he was a spiritual seeker.  I knew he had dedicated his life to seeking and sharing.  If somehow he could take that next step, I felt like it would be all the verification I needed that what my heart and soul told me were true, were truly true.

I am grateful for technology.  It is a tool to be used for good if we choose.  YouTube offered me “listen for 21 nights to reprogram your subconscious.”  I was caught off guard when I heard Wayne’s voice reading the meditations from Three Magic Words.  (https://youtu.be/NEwRGJHkrQ0) I still tear up thinking of all the times I prayed to know the truth, the Truth of all things.  My source knew the desires of my heart and answered me in the way I could hear.  It didn’t matter so much that I had a tribe of people I gathered with daily to share and meditate and ponder on these very truths.  I needed to hear it from someone “having authority.”  Why Wayne? I cannot answer that.  But, as I looked further, I found “mastering the Art of Manifesting” at Wanderlust’s Speakeasy on YouTube.  (https://youtu.be/zNrEFpkgWQo) He laid it all out there.  He went into great depth about Neville and Three Magic Words, weaving them into a blueprint, not for getting what you want like the Secret, but for getting what you are.  Love.  I could not get enough. I listened and watched several more, among them, Wishes Fulfilled, The Forever Wisdom.  (https://youtu.be/-_6Gh6pn2Es)

A friend of mine questioned that I had just now discovered that Wayne had discovered this.  He passed away on August 29, 2015. At that time, I was still a single mother, of a teenage son. I remember checking out all of his books from the library and not finding what I needed there.  After my son left home, I spent a year in Phoenix attending almost nightly support groups for healing.  After that year, I returned home to care for my mother who had severe end stage dementia.  She passed on 1.11.21.  I guess it took this long for me to have the time and space to discover Wayne and these videos.  Now, I know, many millions have, as well.

I had already become clear on what I want. At this stage in my life, there are no great mysteries to solve, no great dreams to be fulfilled. I want to know the fulfillment of love.  All my life I longed to feel loved.  Now I have quite a few people in my life I know love me.  I still longed for something.  I long to be love.  I believe I am, we are, we all are.  It is our nature.  Lately, I’ve seen how I was still harboring resentments toward a handful of people.  I let it all go.  Everyone is off the hook, including me.  We truly are now and always have been doing the best we could with what we had.  We all wish we could have done better.  From my current perspective, I can see how I could have been a much better mother, and daughter, and sister.  But, I couldn’t have.  I tried.  With every fiber of my being.  

So now, I hold my awareness on being Love, loving ALL of life, myself included.  Total acceptance.  Thank you, Jesus, for the example, “I and my Father, are one.”  In Him we move and breathe and have our being. I am grateful to all those who come before, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for us to follow - Forgive, love, compassion, kindness.  As I was already believing, and Wayne and others have confirmed, if enough of us will commit to this, we will raise the vibe on this earth and come into our inheritance: heaven on earth.

May God give us the wisdom to discover the right.

The Will to choose it.

And the strength to make it endure.

Amen.

(King Arthur)

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings.”   Henry David Thoreau - Walden

A Course of Love

In A Course of Love (Mari Perron), learned by asking that answers could be given. "A Course of Love began with a dream. The dream came to me in July 1997. In the dream, I heard You can no longer sell your mind for money. Your mind now belongs to God."    I believe that I need to make money. And, I had forgotten about reading that part in the Foreword. I now ask what God wants of me.

"The self and the expression of self that comes from any place other than wholeheartedness is not the true Self or the expression of Self, but the self-expression that arises from separation." (p. 462)

I want to feel my feet firmly planted on my path-- not looking backward with regrets and resentment, processing pain, but present, in Union, united with my Source, channeling love and bliss and joy.

"Do not be surprised if no shaft of light descends upon you, if you feel as if you have taken that step and yet remain unchanged. When you choose to take this step, it is taken. What you will become aware of on the other side of that door will require a new way of seeing, a new kind of awareness." (p. 463)

Paraphrasing now:  where I've desired to express myself in the past is very likely linked to natural ability/talent I did not have to learn... which was given and available just a step beyond where the separated self (the empty self, filled with fear) could reach.

 Expression. Speaking. Love. Writing from Love. I tell myself it's all already been said, many times. What can I add?  My expression of my experience of my path?

 I sense that doorway beyond which the unknown awaits.  It is indeed a leap of faith. It's what I will do now that tapping along the fence of all I know has yielded only this desire, to the abyss. Jump, my heart calls, "I'll be here!  I will catch you. Or you will fly." With eyes wide open.

The Power of Gratitude

Oh.  My.  Goodness.  I'm vibrating again. I think it's a good sign.

Someone suggested gratitude journalling, again, and this time, finally, I've begun. 

Only Day 3, and my life has changed dramatically.  I'm literally operating on a higher wavelength.  I've been able to see that every thing that happens to me leads me a little further down my road.  I must admit to running into road blocks lately, up against the wall, not knowing which step to take next.  Feeling stuck isn't fun.  He hears and answers prayers.  I put Him first... you know... Seek 1st the Kingdom of Heaven, and all else will be added to you.  I feel like the "all else" is being added.  And, not much has changed on the outside.  It's all an inside job.

A lady called into my day job today and as I took her application for a medicare supplement we expressed our amazement at getting older, the frustration, the feeling "What happened to my life?" that I'm beginning to know most people feel as we get to a certain age.  I think I'm a little early.  She was just getting there at 65.  She told me she felt alone and afraid, and her kids blame her for their unhappiness.  I was able to love her and share with her some of the things I'm learning, and not the old way I used to, rushing around with my band aid, my one-answer-fits all, saving the world (even if it does).  The compulsion was gone.  I didn't need to fix her.  I did want very much to ease her pain, to help her feel not so alone anymore.  We exchanged phone numbers and will talk tonite.  I guided her to www.reallove.com, told her about the conference calls (tonight at 8:00 p.m. est with Karen) and shared a little about my story.  I was in tears with so much love for this woman that I have never met, and care for so deeply, for her pain, her path. I was able to honestly tell her that she need never feel alone again.

I am, indeed, grateful.  For so much.  So many opportunities to be His Hands, His Heart, to feel His Love and share it with those in need.  Not much needs to change on the outside, when everything has changed in me.

Real Love

In my first post, I alluded to Real Love and how it had changed my life.  Greg (Dr. Greg Baer, author) says that "It's ALWAYS about Real Love."  And, that's been my experience, too.  Whenever I am angry, sad, or scared, I'm not feeling loved.  I was introduced to Greg by someone from my church. I was confiding my concerns over the possibilities of the failure of my marriage.  He recommended that I call Greg.  I was already seeing a counselor, but this guy insisted, plus, Greg was located in my home town, just an hour's drive away.  The first time I spoke with him on the phone, giving him a cliff notes version of my situation, he said, "You only have one problem."  Well, of course, I replied, "Ok, what's that?"  He said, "You have never really been loved."  It was one of those life-changing moments.  I had been telling all those around me all my life that they didn't really love me, and here was this guy telling me I was right!  One would think that would be sad, but it wasn't. It was validating!  One of the worst things that is done to kids is telling them "I love you" instead of "I'm really sucking at being a parent."  Only recently have I begun to get specific with my own offspring.  "Let's tell the truth.  No need for apologies."  Saying "I love you" is one way we say many things:  "I screwed up, please don't be angry... do you still love me?"  So, when we screw up, which is often, we say something like "Wow.  I just got angry again, and, of course, that's wrong."  Because if our goal is to be happy... angry (or sad, or scared) is always wrong!

I won't go much further into this today, other than to urge you to go to the website:  www.reallove.com and check out everything that is available there.  Greg (and his wife, Donna) aren't trying to get rich or become the next self-improvement gurus.  They have discovered the formula for happiness:  loved, loving, responsible, and their efforts fit right in there.  Get the love you need by getting on the (FREE) forum located on the website, reading the books, getting on (FREE) conference calls, making connections with people who have agreed to love you the best they can, and to tell the truth about it if they can't.  It's quite refreshing.  Even FREEing.  Happiness making.  You can never have too many Real Friends.  I once studied with a spiritual woman, and she said that if someone is claiming to have the truth and selling it, it ain't the truth.  Greg makes so much available... for free!

The Genesis - The Beginning of Whole-Hearted Art

I want to share with you what I am learning about peace and happiness. 

These two words are used to the point of having no meaning, and yet, they are what we yearn for in the deepest parts of our beings.  On a good day, I am so much further along the path than I have ever been... and, what good is that, if I can't share it with you?  I hope you will join me on the journey, to becoming who we came here to be, together, having loads of fun along the way. 

You are welcome here.  You are wanted.  You are loved.  I don't have to know everything about you to love you.  I know the single most important thing I need to know:  You want to be loved.  You deserve to be loved.  You ARE loved.  I am not perfect, and neither are you, AND, we don't have to be in order to be loved. 

We will actually feel the love that is here, as we share our fears, flaws and mistakes.  "Real Love," by Dr. Greg Baer (www.reallove.com) has been the major turning point in my life, and I know it can be in yours, too.  Real Love is the essence of what we will be sharing here. 

Stay tuned as I get this website and this Project underway.  I have a lot to learn about putting this all together, let's do it, all-together!  I will be sharing, through videos, pictures, stories, lessons and workshops (art, movement, music, creative writing), all of me and my journey in hopes we can support each other as we go along!