My Little Girl Rampage

Every morning I am blessed to gather online with my tribe.  We've been meeting like this for almost two years now.  It has taken this long for me to reach a point, today, where my intention is to thoroughly like the person I am right now.  

After luxuriating in bed, alone, on a Sunday morning, and scrolling through the news, I remember to call my sister.  Just for a couple of "housekeeping" things. I noticed the lack of a more detailed gravestone yesterday when visiting mom's grave to check on flowers.  And, to tell her the good news about a new job, because she expressed concern about my survival on social security.  I'm laughing because I've survived this far on so much less.  

It didn’t take but about 15 minutes of really being me with her before I felt that old rub of not getting her approval. Unlike in the past when I would have withdrawn and felt hurt, I verbalized out loud that I wish there had been less years difference in our age maybe we could’ve been closer or appreciated each other more or bonded better. But, as she says, it is what it is and when we hung up, I remembered to ASK for what I want!  I flung off the covers and I begged (I know now I don't need to, but it did feel like it in the moment) God to help me remember that feeling of loving myself and loving who I am that I had so recently found. I WAS a little girl that no one appreciated and she still lives in here but I AM her big sister now and I love her to pieces and I think she’s precious and adorable and so cute and she is good!  She’s kinder and more affectionate and warm and loving and supportive than anything anyone could ever want in a friend except maybe not too dependable, lol. I think I will love bomb her today. It took many people, and a few very special ones telling me these things before I came to believe them.

She’s worked so hard to heal and forgive and be happy and it’s been a fucking uphill journey every fucking step of the fucking way. So if you’re somewhere on the uphill journey, I’m here for you. I got it that it’s fucking painful but it won’t always be that way.  I promise.  Leave a comment if you want to connect. And, by ALL MEANS, hang in there!  DO NOT QUIT just because there is no one around you right now who understands or appreciates you!  You CAN and WILL attract people in your life who will care about you and appreciate you and love you and it might seem like a long, painfully torturous slow path to suddenness. Don’t quit whatever you do, because it’s worth it. And, the faster you can BELIEVE it will happen, (MAYBE AGAINST ALL ODDS), the faster it will happen. 

Between now and then, please know that doing/surviving hard things will help you appreciate  yourself, and the joys that will come with that. And, the hardest thing may be in reaching for that idea that the possibility even exists for you to be happy.  There’s a great analogy in weightlifting or running or doing anything that’s hard physically. It’s the same for our thoughts and our feelings. Do the hard things, they will make you stronger and they will make you love yourself more and harder. 

 So I’m just gonna sit right here today and do as I damn well please and beam love to all that need it, to the whole fucking universe.

A Course of Love

In A Course of Love (Mari Perron), learned by asking that answers could be given. "A Course of Love began with a dream. The dream came to me in July 1997. In the dream, I heard You can no longer sell your mind for money. Your mind now belongs to God."    I believe that I need to make money. And, I had forgotten about reading that part in the Foreword. I now ask what God wants of me.

"The self and the expression of self that comes from any place other than wholeheartedness is not the true Self or the expression of Self, but the self-expression that arises from separation." (p. 462)

I want to feel my feet firmly planted on my path-- not looking backward with regrets and resentment, processing pain, but present, in Union, united with my Source, channeling love and bliss and joy.

"Do not be surprised if no shaft of light descends upon you, if you feel as if you have taken that step and yet remain unchanged. When you choose to take this step, it is taken. What you will become aware of on the other side of that door will require a new way of seeing, a new kind of awareness." (p. 463)

Paraphrasing now:  where I've desired to express myself in the past is very likely linked to natural ability/talent I did not have to learn... which was given and available just a step beyond where the separated self (the empty self, filled with fear) could reach.

 Expression. Speaking. Love. Writing from Love. I tell myself it's all already been said, many times. What can I add?  My expression of my experience of my path?

 I sense that doorway beyond which the unknown awaits.  It is indeed a leap of faith. It's what I will do now that tapping along the fence of all I know has yielded only this desire, to the abyss. Jump, my heart calls, "I'll be here!  I will catch you. Or you will fly." With eyes wide open.

The Power of Gratitude

Oh.  My.  Goodness.  I'm vibrating again. I think it's a good sign.

Someone suggested gratitude journalling, again, and this time, finally, I've begun. 

Only Day 3, and my life has changed dramatically.  I'm literally operating on a higher wavelength.  I've been able to see that every thing that happens to me leads me a little further down my road.  I must admit to running into road blocks lately, up against the wall, not knowing which step to take next.  Feeling stuck isn't fun.  He hears and answers prayers.  I put Him first... you know... Seek 1st the Kingdom of Heaven, and all else will be added to you.  I feel like the "all else" is being added.  And, not much has changed on the outside.  It's all an inside job.

A lady called into my day job today and as I took her application for a medicare supplement we expressed our amazement at getting older, the frustration, the feeling "What happened to my life?" that I'm beginning to know most people feel as we get to a certain age.  I think I'm a little early.  She was just getting there at 65.  She told me she felt alone and afraid, and her kids blame her for their unhappiness.  I was able to love her and share with her some of the things I'm learning, and not the old way I used to, rushing around with my band aid, my one-answer-fits all, saving the world (even if it does).  The compulsion was gone.  I didn't need to fix her.  I did want very much to ease her pain, to help her feel not so alone anymore.  We exchanged phone numbers and will talk tonite.  I guided her to www.reallove.com, told her about the conference calls (tonight at 8:00 p.m. est with Karen) and shared a little about my story.  I was in tears with so much love for this woman that I have never met, and care for so deeply, for her pain, her path. I was able to honestly tell her that she need never feel alone again.

I am, indeed, grateful.  For so much.  So many opportunities to be His Hands, His Heart, to feel His Love and share it with those in need.  Not much needs to change on the outside, when everything has changed in me.