My Little Girl Rampage

Every morning I am blessed to gather online with my tribe.  We've been meeting like this for almost two years now.  It has taken this long for me to reach a point, today, where my intention is to thoroughly like the person I am right now.  

After luxuriating in bed, alone, on a Sunday morning, and scrolling through the news, I remember to call my sister.  Just for a couple of "housekeeping" things. I noticed the lack of a more detailed gravestone yesterday when visiting mom's grave to check on flowers.  And, to tell her the good news about a new job, because she expressed concern about my survival on social security.  I'm laughing because I've survived this far on so much less.  

It didn’t take but about 15 minutes of really being me with her before I felt that old rub of not getting her approval. Unlike in the past when I would have withdrawn and felt hurt, I verbalized out loud that I wish there had been less years difference in our age maybe we could’ve been closer or appreciated each other more or bonded better. But, as she says, it is what it is and when we hung up, I remembered to ASK for what I want!  I flung off the covers and I begged (I know now I don't need to, but it did feel like it in the moment) God to help me remember that feeling of loving myself and loving who I am that I had so recently found. I WAS a little girl that no one appreciated and she still lives in here but I AM her big sister now and I love her to pieces and I think she’s precious and adorable and so cute and she is good!  She’s kinder and more affectionate and warm and loving and supportive than anything anyone could ever want in a friend except maybe not too dependable, lol. I think I will love bomb her today. It took many people, and a few very special ones telling me these things before I came to believe them.

She’s worked so hard to heal and forgive and be happy and it’s been a fucking uphill journey every fucking step of the fucking way. So if you’re somewhere on the uphill journey, I’m here for you. I got it that it’s fucking painful but it won’t always be that way.  I promise.  Leave a comment if you want to connect. And, by ALL MEANS, hang in there!  DO NOT QUIT just because there is no one around you right now who understands or appreciates you!  You CAN and WILL attract people in your life who will care about you and appreciate you and love you and it might seem like a long, painfully torturous slow path to suddenness. Don’t quit whatever you do, because it’s worth it. And, the faster you can BELIEVE it will happen, (MAYBE AGAINST ALL ODDS), the faster it will happen. 

Between now and then, please know that doing/surviving hard things will help you appreciate  yourself, and the joys that will come with that. And, the hardest thing may be in reaching for that idea that the possibility even exists for you to be happy.  There’s a great analogy in weightlifting or running or doing anything that’s hard physically. It’s the same for our thoughts and our feelings. Do the hard things, they will make you stronger and they will make you love yourself more and harder. 

 So I’m just gonna sit right here today and do as I damn well please and beam love to all that need it, to the whole fucking universe.

A Course of Love

In A Course of Love (Mari Perron), learned by asking that answers could be given. "A Course of Love began with a dream. The dream came to me in July 1997. In the dream, I heard You can no longer sell your mind for money. Your mind now belongs to God."    I believe that I need to make money. And, I had forgotten about reading that part in the Foreword. I now ask what God wants of me.

"The self and the expression of self that comes from any place other than wholeheartedness is not the true Self or the expression of Self, but the self-expression that arises from separation." (p. 462)

I want to feel my feet firmly planted on my path-- not looking backward with regrets and resentment, processing pain, but present, in Union, united with my Source, channeling love and bliss and joy.

"Do not be surprised if no shaft of light descends upon you, if you feel as if you have taken that step and yet remain unchanged. When you choose to take this step, it is taken. What you will become aware of on the other side of that door will require a new way of seeing, a new kind of awareness." (p. 463)

Paraphrasing now:  where I've desired to express myself in the past is very likely linked to natural ability/talent I did not have to learn... which was given and available just a step beyond where the separated self (the empty self, filled with fear) could reach.

 Expression. Speaking. Love. Writing from Love. I tell myself it's all already been said, many times. What can I add?  My expression of my experience of my path?

 I sense that doorway beyond which the unknown awaits.  It is indeed a leap of faith. It's what I will do now that tapping along the fence of all I know has yielded only this desire, to the abyss. Jump, my heart calls, "I'll be here!  I will catch you. Or you will fly." With eyes wide open.

Weigh In on Biggest Loser Contest!

The stakes were raised this week when one of the "bosses" announced he'd contribute an extra $100 on top of the "pot" (about $220) if any one of the (3) women from our company wins.  Another boss got caught up in the excitement and said he would give $100 if that person had kept if off six months later!  Do I work in a great place, or what?!  There is nothing like money to motivate me to do something I've been obsessing about doing in the first place!

So, the initial weigh in was on the Tuesday following New Years, then we weighed in again that Friday.  I had lost 1.5 pounds, not bad for a few days.  This week I eliminated 2.6!  And the funny thing is: I'd only changed a few things.  Granted, they were major things, but I still overate, had too many starches, and didn't exercise quite enough, so maybe next week I'll keep up the rate I've set for myself: 2.6 is a very decent weight loss per week. According to the experts.

37 here, 20 years ago.  Before baby and weight gain.  Actually I had just lost 40 pounds.  I had been running and lifting weights for a year.  They say it takes half the time to get back once you've gotten "there."  We'll see! 

What I did right?  I eliminated most sweets.  I had no candy, pop, cake, cookies, or crackers.  I've been finished eating for the day by 7:00 p.m., 7:30 at the latest on a couple of days.  I began a weight lifting routine on Saturday, every other day/upper body.  I'll start on the lower body soon.  Right now my lower body consists of my yoga.  I just couldn't shock my body any more! I was so sore I could not straighten my arms for several days!

What I did wrong?  I have had a very healthy portion of oatmeal for breakfast on a couple of days, complete with brown sugar, molasses, raisins, cinnamon and whole milk.   I didn't walk every day, too rainy and cold.

This week felt very natural, not too drastic, definitely a way I could live for the rest of my life, and that's what I'm shooting for.  I didn't count calories, like I said, I felt too full after more than one meal, so I know to eat less.  I'm eating protein and veggies with a small amount of fruit, more nonstarchy veggies than not, but some starchy... if I don't, I find myself craving them, so I figure my body knows what's best.

I re-learned that after a few days of saying NO to sugar, along with answered prayers, my desire for sugar has virtually disappeared.  This Saturday I will start the Master Cleanser with hopes of going ten days.  Yes, it is extreme, but I've done it many times in my life and always feel refreshed, revived, renewed... cleansed.  So, check it out (just net search master cleanser), I think you'll be glad you did.  One of my bosses was (actually) listening once when I talked about it and he started asking questions and acting like he wanted to try it, so I'm grateful to maybe have company doing it this time around.  It's already making for much more interesting conversation (for me) in the mornings at the office!

I'll end this blog with a quote from my son: "I love my life!"  Appreciate it.  It gets better.