Unnamed Feelings

Because I want to live more fully connected or aware of my connection to my Source, I am aware, and committed to continuing and growing that awareness.  Specifically, these unnamed feelings. The Ones I run from experiencing by overeating, making food choices that may not be the best, or at least I feel are not the best.  I run from intimacy.  I run from intimacy with others, and myself, at the same time reaching for it, needing it and clinging.  Of course, it's a fear feeling, and as I write this I feel it in the pit of my stomach. A fear of being wrong or not enough.  It's there, in the background, while facilitating our morning zoom meeting, and it's there when I leave.  A breath, holding. A wanting to control. The Pain. The Fear of Rejection. 

 I am grateful that for years now, I have become aware that I can just sit with feelings. I sit with the feeling, breathing and exploring. It feels like my little girl, my "little." So, I love her.  (The most loved we feel is when someone is willing to just sit with us, I just realized, I am loving my feelings by sitting with them, more on that later. = Intimacy.)  As I love her, I remember the post on fb in one of my crochet groups.  A woman had recently "lost" her newborn child and had crocheted a newborn baby doll to help her process her feelings.  I want to make one.  My "little." Me. My unborns. My baby boy. So much, so many, BIG feelings, to love and accept. It does feel better to have them than to run. 

I am my "little" with her baby doll.  I will walk through my life holding her hand in mine, as she holds hers in her hand. My spiritual mentor, Vivian Heeschen, told of sitting at the breakfast table with her cereal, and the cereal box in front of her. On the box, there was a picture of a little girl eating her cereal, the way we can see infinite reflections in a mirror when it is turned in a certain way, Vivian wondered whose box she was on. My "little" will hold her doll and her "little" will have her doll.  I wonder whose doll I am.  That is my desire. To know that one whose doll I am, my Source. 

My Little Girl Rampage

Every morning I am blessed to gather online with my tribe.  We've been meeting like this for almost two years now.  It has taken this long for me to reach a point, today, where my intention is to thoroughly like the person I am right now.  

After luxuriating in bed, alone, on a Sunday morning, and scrolling through the news, I remember to call my sister.  Just for a couple of "housekeeping" things. I noticed the lack of a more detailed gravestone yesterday when visiting mom's grave to check on flowers.  And, to tell her the good news about a new job, because she expressed concern about my survival on social security.  I'm laughing because I've survived this far on so much less.  

It didn’t take but about 15 minutes of really being me with her before I felt that old rub of not getting her approval. Unlike in the past when I would have withdrawn and felt hurt, I verbalized out loud that I wish there had been less years difference in our age maybe we could’ve been closer or appreciated each other more or bonded better. But, as she says, it is what it is and when we hung up, I remembered to ASK for what I want!  I flung off the covers and I begged (I know now I don't need to, but it did feel like it in the moment) God to help me remember that feeling of loving myself and loving who I am that I had so recently found. I WAS a little girl that no one appreciated and she still lives in here but I AM her big sister now and I love her to pieces and I think she’s precious and adorable and so cute and she is good!  She’s kinder and more affectionate and warm and loving and supportive than anything anyone could ever want in a friend except maybe not too dependable, lol. I think I will love bomb her today. It took many people, and a few very special ones telling me these things before I came to believe them.

She’s worked so hard to heal and forgive and be happy and it’s been a fucking uphill journey every fucking step of the fucking way. So if you’re somewhere on the uphill journey, I’m here for you. I got it that it’s fucking painful but it won’t always be that way.  I promise.  Leave a comment if you want to connect. And, by ALL MEANS, hang in there!  DO NOT QUIT just because there is no one around you right now who understands or appreciates you!  You CAN and WILL attract people in your life who will care about you and appreciate you and love you and it might seem like a long, painfully torturous slow path to suddenness. Don’t quit whatever you do, because it’s worth it. And, the faster you can BELIEVE it will happen, (MAYBE AGAINST ALL ODDS), the faster it will happen. 

Between now and then, please know that doing/surviving hard things will help you appreciate  yourself, and the joys that will come with that. And, the hardest thing may be in reaching for that idea that the possibility even exists for you to be happy.  There’s a great analogy in weightlifting or running or doing anything that’s hard physically. It’s the same for our thoughts and our feelings. Do the hard things, they will make you stronger and they will make you love yourself more and harder. 

 So I’m just gonna sit right here today and do as I damn well please and beam love to all that need it, to the whole fucking universe.

Wishes Fulfilled

Wayne Dyer was such a popular teacher.  He was a legend.  But his teachings always felt a step behind me.  I kept wanting him to make that one last step toward The Truth. This week I discovered that he had, indeed made that step, and I’d been unaware.

The Truth was something my father seemed to think he had and no one else did.  I’m afraid I followed in his footsteps a bit, although I wasn’t quite as sure.  I did not really 100% dare to believe what I had found was The Truth.  Too many churches and authorities considered it blasphemy, as did the ones who wanted to stone Jesus.

When I was 23 years old and living in Atlanta, I met a young man.  He was a bartender at the Pharr Library.  We became friends.  His mother was a psychic.  Not just any psychic, one that the local police departments called on when they needed.  Remember now, this was 1978. These subjects were not as widespread, popular and acceptable as they are now.  His mother had given him a book, “Three Magic Words,” by U.S. Andersen.  (The book is here, along with some beautiful music: https://youtu.be/G3CWkOC3Dqs) Along with the book, she had given him an audiocassette and told him to record the meditations at the end of each chapter.  We listened to it nightly before falling asleep.  Amazing things began to happen, not the least of which was my mind opened.  It wasn’t long before I recorded the meditations in my own voice on my own tape.  Last year I recorded myself reading these meditations on YouTube. https://youtu.be/2UXWOcTU8So

I won’t go into the amazing things that happened today, I’ll save those for later.  But along the way, in most serendipitous ways, I found another book and author named Neville.  He was a mystic who toured and spoke in California in the 40’s and 50’s.  The essence found in his books and Three Magic Words were the ones I had hoped Wayne Dyer would confirm.  I knew he was a spiritual seeker.  I knew he had dedicated his life to seeking and sharing.  If somehow he could take that next step, I felt like it would be all the verification I needed that what my heart and soul told me were true, were truly true.

I am grateful for technology.  It is a tool to be used for good if we choose.  YouTube offered me “listen for 21 nights to reprogram your subconscious.”  I was caught off guard when I heard Wayne’s voice reading the meditations from Three Magic Words.  (https://youtu.be/NEwRGJHkrQ0) I still tear up thinking of all the times I prayed to know the truth, the Truth of all things.  My source knew the desires of my heart and answered me in the way I could hear.  It didn’t matter so much that I had a tribe of people I gathered with daily to share and meditate and ponder on these very truths.  I needed to hear it from someone “having authority.”  Why Wayne? I cannot answer that.  But, as I looked further, I found “mastering the Art of Manifesting” at Wanderlust’s Speakeasy on YouTube.  (https://youtu.be/zNrEFpkgWQo) He laid it all out there.  He went into great depth about Neville and Three Magic Words, weaving them into a blueprint, not for getting what you want like the Secret, but for getting what you are.  Love.  I could not get enough. I listened and watched several more, among them, Wishes Fulfilled, The Forever Wisdom.  (https://youtu.be/-_6Gh6pn2Es)

A friend of mine questioned that I had just now discovered that Wayne had discovered this.  He passed away on August 29, 2015. At that time, I was still a single mother, of a teenage son. I remember checking out all of his books from the library and not finding what I needed there.  After my son left home, I spent a year in Phoenix attending almost nightly support groups for healing.  After that year, I returned home to care for my mother who had severe end stage dementia.  She passed on 1.11.21.  I guess it took this long for me to have the time and space to discover Wayne and these videos.  Now, I know, many millions have, as well.

I had already become clear on what I want. At this stage in my life, there are no great mysteries to solve, no great dreams to be fulfilled. I want to know the fulfillment of love.  All my life I longed to feel loved.  Now I have quite a few people in my life I know love me.  I still longed for something.  I long to be love.  I believe I am, we are, we all are.  It is our nature.  Lately, I’ve seen how I was still harboring resentments toward a handful of people.  I let it all go.  Everyone is off the hook, including me.  We truly are now and always have been doing the best we could with what we had.  We all wish we could have done better.  From my current perspective, I can see how I could have been a much better mother, and daughter, and sister.  But, I couldn’t have.  I tried.  With every fiber of my being.  

So now, I hold my awareness on being Love, loving ALL of life, myself included.  Total acceptance.  Thank you, Jesus, for the example, “I and my Father, are one.”  In Him we move and breathe and have our being. I am grateful to all those who come before, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for us to follow - Forgive, love, compassion, kindness.  As I was already believing, and Wayne and others have confirmed, if enough of us will commit to this, we will raise the vibe on this earth and come into our inheritance: heaven on earth.

May God give us the wisdom to discover the right.

The Will to choose it.

And the strength to make it endure.

Amen.

(King Arthur)

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings.”   Henry David Thoreau - Walden

A Course of Love

In A Course of Love (Mari Perron), learned by asking that answers could be given. "A Course of Love began with a dream. The dream came to me in July 1997. In the dream, I heard You can no longer sell your mind for money. Your mind now belongs to God."    I believe that I need to make money. And, I had forgotten about reading that part in the Foreword. I now ask what God wants of me.

"The self and the expression of self that comes from any place other than wholeheartedness is not the true Self or the expression of Self, but the self-expression that arises from separation." (p. 462)

I want to feel my feet firmly planted on my path-- not looking backward with regrets and resentment, processing pain, but present, in Union, united with my Source, channeling love and bliss and joy.

"Do not be surprised if no shaft of light descends upon you, if you feel as if you have taken that step and yet remain unchanged. When you choose to take this step, it is taken. What you will become aware of on the other side of that door will require a new way of seeing, a new kind of awareness." (p. 463)

Paraphrasing now:  where I've desired to express myself in the past is very likely linked to natural ability/talent I did not have to learn... which was given and available just a step beyond where the separated self (the empty self, filled with fear) could reach.

 Expression. Speaking. Love. Writing from Love. I tell myself it's all already been said, many times. What can I add?  My expression of my experience of my path?

 I sense that doorway beyond which the unknown awaits.  It is indeed a leap of faith. It's what I will do now that tapping along the fence of all I know has yielded only this desire, to the abyss. Jump, my heart calls, "I'll be here!  I will catch you. Or you will fly." With eyes wide open.

Changes are underway here

 I will be changing my profile description.  Not today, too tired, but I did want to put it in black and white that I'm going to be doing some things differently.  You see, I've been focusing on others all my life, and not in a good way. I've been looking outside myself for safety, reassurance, validation, acceptance, etc., etc., etc.  It is a behavior I created as a child because I felt invisible.  Now I can see how it has never really served me, at least not like I desired.  So, now my life will unfold in a new way, one that I only have an inkling about now, but it's going to be different.

For instance, just a few days ago, I spoke with my friend about an idea I have.  I received such an unexpected supportive response that I was shocked.  I realized that as a child whenever I shared an idea it was laughed at by those around me.  I came to believe my ideas were laughable, not to be entertained.  I began to see how many dreams I'd had that were abandoned because someone told me they weren't practical or something, but I had later watched as someone else made that same dream a reality.  Now, the creative juices have begun to flow.  All it took was one sincere, knowledgeable person to say, "I think you are underestimating the value of your idea," and I feel like I've turned a corner.  Now, I'm looking forward to more and more inspiration to flow in as I believe in myself and as I stop pouring so much of my energy into the efforts I've made in the past to please people, lying about who I am, trying to provide other people their answers when I don't even have my own, being afraid of the response of others, etc.  That etc. will become even more evident as I become more aware going forward.

I trust that others will find their answers and their way and receive all the help they need, all with no help from me whatsoever.  I'm staying out of everyone's business and getting much more deeply attentive to my own.  For a time, until I can freely give, needing nothing in return,  No reassurance or thanks or credit or prestige. I'm giving God his job back. 

A New Chapter, A New Book

Much time has passed since my last blog post.  I will keep this one brief, but more will come and more often.

 Mother passed peacefully into the next realm on 1.11.21.  There was great appreciation for the date.  The grief process has progressed as warned.  As I read the last couple of posts, I'm reminded that I had some awareness of what she was going through.  Dementia is totally unpredictable.  That's one of the most difficult parts.  And, I also remembered that Mother had always been unpredictable.  It was one of the more painful aspects of our relationship.  It wasn't until I caught myself confessing that I was realizing how unpredictable my behaviors are and how difficult that must be for others, that I was able to forgive this in her as I saw it in myself.  I always thought I was forgiving, even encouraging my sister on her path of forgiveness.  Thanks to the love and support of others, I was able to see a deep vein of resentment that had to be healed for me to move on.  I may share more about that later. It is easy to forgive something when we can find it in ourselves.

To anyone who reads this and is taking care of a loved one with dementia, I get it, as will many others who are going through or have gone through it, also.  It's the most difficult of journeys, and, as others told me, the most (for lack of a better word) fulfilling.  I felt inadequate to the task from the beginning to the end, was too often impatient and unkind, but always trying to be honest about my capacity.  I don't think I've even begun to unpack all the gifts.  The one big one at this point, is the love I feel for my mother.  I never realized, of course, how much I would miss her.  We were like oil and water, and she was the big wound, the subject always discussed in support groups.  And, she left a big hole.  I had always called, stayed in touch, no matter how far away or for how long.  I'm sure you've heard of or experienced the desire to call someone and then realized they are not longer at the other end of the phone.  It was a little different from that with me.  The habit of calling her was so deep and ingrained, although I never reached for the phone and then remembered, I would feel a twinge, across my shoulders and up the back of my neck, almost like an instinct.  And, I actually did pick up my cell phone and tell her how I was feeling once.  It was helpful.  I hope you will not squelch any inspiration you feel about how to deal with your journey.  It's very personal and no one gets to tell us how to do it.  

 Art was not a huge part of my life for these two years, but occasionally I had a minute and did some little thing and it was helpful.  My urge to create is back now stronger than ever.  I love the very words "create" and "imagine."  Reminds me that I/we are made in the image of our creator: creative.  More posts and more projects are on their way, meanwhile...

Much love to you.

To Mom:  All your past except its beauty is gone… and nothing is left but a blessing.” – A Course In Miracles

Gratitude

 In the mornings, I sit on the front porch or the back deck.  It's a quiet neighborhood.  The breeze stirs the leaves on the trees.  Sometimes there are birds, sometimes squirrels and always my precious kitties.  They get some strokes and then are content to lie nearby washing their paws and faces.  I breathe and believe that in this moment, Life is perfect.  I know it won't last, and I like to breathe in the gratitude as deeply as possible, filling my cup for whatever the day brings.
 
There is a silver lining.  This movie is teaching me.  Awkward, uncomfortable situations are part of life, heck, maybe they are most of life, maybe it's our trying to avoid them that sucks the most.

I keep getting the same message.  From my mother's minister on Sunday. From other spiritual talks. Sit with the pain.  And Joe Dispenza's training keeps popping up, saying that the more often we return to the present moment the more energy is available for healing.  These are things that I've been working on.  When I feel really stressed, lol, having a strategy as Pat's therapist tells him, and then Tiff talking him down and helping him breathe.  I'm doing that.  Just breathe and don't get on the field of death with a reaction.  Just because I'm invited doesn't mean I have to go.  Those demons delight when I lose it and get angry, I can almost hear them laughing.  Bleah on you, I'm determined, through the power of the Holy Spirit and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to win this battle. I will do whatever it takes, because I am a beloved daughter of a loving Heavenly Father and he knew this would be what is best for me.  He knows my heart, he knows my needs.  So, for now, I sit with it.  And the Universe opens to me. 

Victor Frankl's book, "Man's Search for Meaning" came to me in college as an assignment I am ever grateful for.  I highly recommend it.  Here are some quotes from a man who survived a Nazi concentration camp and went on to become a very distinguished neurologist and psychiatrist.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.”

 “Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge.”

“Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.”
 
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him.”

“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.”

“No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in a similar situation he might not have done the same.”
 
“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.”

"I called to the Lord from my narrow prison and he answered me in the freedom of space."  (which paraphrases Psalm 118.5: "I called upon the Lord in distress: the Lord answered me, and set me in a large place."

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."

 

"What is to give light must endure burning."